Dealing with Post-Race Blues

If you've raced for any amount of time, you've likely had it happen.

You train your butt off- you swim, bike, and run, putting your heart and soul in to every session. You study the race course, knowing what to do when it's hilly, what nutrition to take and when. You plan it down to every minute detail and know, within reason, what your final time could be. 

Then, race day happens. Maybe you're sick, or it's unbelievably hot outside, or you get a flat tire. Maybe your nutrition falls out of your pocket, or your goggles get kicked off. Something happens and what was supposed to be an amazing accomplishment turns in to, for you, a letdown. It's devastating.

The feeling after this is what I call post-race blues. We, as triathletes, are almost universally Type A go-getters who expect perfection of ourselves at every level. When things go wrong- sometimes when it's even that we didn't get that PR we were hoping for, it can be a huge blow to our egos. We spend weeks or months focusing on our goals and doing everything we can to reach them, and then, when the event is over, that focus is widened to the bigger picture, suddenly, and we're at a loss when the glory we imagined is gone.

I've dealt with this feeling twice so far this season. The most recent was documented with my post on Jack's Generic Tri. The other was after Ironman Texas. Both races left me feeling a bit at a loss for different reasons.

Most acutely, Jack's Generic was crushing to my ego because I KNOW I could have done much better. I know that being ill was a huge contribution to my exhaustion and slow pace. When I saw my results, I walked over to Bryce and I cried. I couldn't help myself- I was embarrassed. Bryce, my friends, anyone could tell me all day long that I'd done awesome and it's OK because of whatever extenuating circumstances, but that didn't matter. I was hurt.

A more complex feeling was after Ironman Texas. It was my very first time and I had no benchmark. I trained incredibly hard and obsessed over the race for 6 months, having stress dreams about backpacks for Pete's sake (that came TRUE!) I knew that, should all go well, I should finish within a respectable 14-14.5hrs. It didn't go well, and I finished in just over 16. When I was done, I puked, and then just felt relief that it was over. But almost immediately I felt conflicted in my celebration. Every time someone asked me how it went, I reacted with, "well, I finished." rather than, "awesome- I finished!" An Ironman finish is a big deal, and yet my pride and the knowledge that it could have been even better robbed me of the feelings of joy I had imagined for so long I would feel.

That feeling of joy that was missing, that's the most devastating part of dealing with race day disappointment. Recently, someone posted in a Facebook group I'm in for women in triathlon about her similar feelings, prompting me to examine my own, and as I explained to her how I dealt with mine, it was obvious this is something that has to be dealt with head on, or I'd risk losing the joy I get from training and racing all together.

It's easy for people on the outside to tell you to suck it up, especially those not involved in the sport who are just excited for you that you accomplished such a feat. Their comments come from a place only of support, because they want you to be as happy for yourself as they are for you.

Here's my first tip- just let yourself be sad. But, give yourself a time limit. Maybe a week, maybe a few days, but let yourself let it out. If you don't, you'll never be able to reach the next step in the process. Let yourself internally (or, to good friends, externally) whine about all the mitigating factors that led to your perceived failure. Let yourself mourn the heart you put in to it for less than the return you expected. 

Then- Take a deep breath, and consciously tell yourself it's time to move on. Let. It. Go. When you start dwelling, make yourself think about something else- what fun thing you're doing that weekend, what your next project is at work. Hell, what you're going to make for dinner that night. Just something else! 

Next- Make a new plan. Whether it's signing up for another goal race, re-focusing on a hobby that you really love, or just planning to enjoy your sport for a while as you re-organize your thoughts, you need to give yourself a new goal to work toward. In the case of the Ironman, I gave myself the goal of doing Ironman Boulder. I'm excited to explore a new city and race on new terrain, and will likely spend some time in the mountains- my ultimate happy place. In the case of Jack's Generic and the Texas Tri Series, I made myself new goals. I have two races left and have focused hard on nailing my bike to run, adding in serious bricks every week that force me to push myself.

Finally- Reflect on the good. Do what everyone else has been pushing you to do since you ended your race. Focus on what went right, and congratulate yourself. Tell yourself that it CAN go better next time, that some things are out of your control, and that you're doing this sport because you love it and it's fun. If you forget that last part, then you might as well quit and take up something else, because there's no use putting your passion in to something that gives you back no joy.

Better luck next time, champs! You'll be fine!

Branding and my M Dot Tattoo

       It's been a few weeks since finishing Ironman Texas, and it's taken that long to feel fully recovered, both physically and mentally!
      Physically, recovery wasn't as bad as I expected. When you walk most of a marathon (thanks, gargantuan blisters!) your legs tend to benefit. After the race, I rested for a few days, then did a short easy bike ride, followed by a longer 40 mile ride that Saturday. Bryce and I took our time, stopped for a snack at the Andice General Store (top 5 grilled cheese sandwiches in the country, in my opinion!) and even got down in the San Gabriel river to cool off. What're tri kits good for if you can't go on random swims in them?

We took a dip in the river to cool off!

      Although the high of being an Ironman never really wears off, it has finally sunk in as a new part of my reality. I get a little embarrassed when well-meaning friends ask me to "tell people what you did!" because I don't want to be that stereotypical finisher who lets everyone know what they did. Most of the time, those that I'm telling have no idea what I'm talking about, so I sound like a serious braggart. I'd rather let people just ask if they're curious, but it does make me feel good to have so many friends who are proud enough to shout it from the rooftops, even if I don't.

I did get this cute key chain to replace my marathon one!

And this is definitely hanging in my office! I couldn't bare to just add it to the pile of other medals on my wall at home! 

     My desire to not constantly talk about it probably directly contradicts my physical representations to the world around me though, especially since I finally got my wrist tattoo finished! 

    If you want to read a debate that has a lot of varied feelings behind it, join a conversation about Ironman Tattoos. Wow. Here are my thoughts on the basic arguments against tattoos AND more specifically, Ironman tattoos. 

1. Tattoos are tacky: Yea, so are your platform flip flops and giant blingy crosses on every part of your outfit. But hey, if it makes you happy, then you do you! And let me do me with the art I choose to put on my body. Simple as that.

2. Tattoos hurt your job chances: OK, yes. If I tattooed my neck I'd have a hell of a time getting a job as a bank teller. You should always carefully consider the placement of any body art you want. I work in non-profit development, so although I'm in social work, I do acknowledge that I interact with wealthy donors who perceive my company though me. A neck tat would't work for me, but it'd be fine for other lines of work. Most places can be covered easily with clothes. I am a grown woman who understands her desired career direction and know perfectly well that a visible tattoo will not (and HAS NOT) effected me for the past two jobs I've gotten. Be smart, think it through, and be honest with yourself about the work culture of your industry.

3. Tattoos are just a decision you'll regret when you're old: My rule is when I think of a piece I want (I have two, two more slated for the coming months) I sit on it for a year. If I still want it, I get it. I broke this rule when I got the Half IM tattoo on my wrist, and still don't regret it. I've never understood the "when you're older" argument- when I'm old, wrinkly, and retired, WHY would I suddenly care differently about what I look like? All of the seniors I know are certainly the opposite- they couldn't care less! If I'm still able to rock a bikini at 65, you'd better believe I will and my tattoo will still be a piece of art I love. Got something to say about it to 65 year old me? See if I care!

4. Ironman is a logo/brand, why advertise for them?: Ah, here we go: the first argument that I think should make you stop and think a bit. Yes, Ironman (with a big "I") is a brand name, owned by the World Triathlon Corporation, an organization that, for many reasons, kind of sucks. When it came to picking my design, I did stop and consider if I wanted the logo or something else. However, my idea was to get half of something (representing half of the distance done with my 70.3) and then complete it once I reached my ultimate goal. Therefore, numbers wouldn't work, they'd just have to be crossed out or covered up. The best I could come up with for something I truly wanted that would keep me motivated was what I got: Half of the M-Dot, to be completed as a full M-Dot once I covered those 140.6 miles.

I placed it on my right wrist on the inside so I could see it when I swam, biked, and ran during training. It was uneven from being incomplete, which drove Type-A me insane, providing further motivation. Now that it's done, it's there on the inside of my arm whenever I want to see it.

It's an M Dot. But it's not an advertisement for WTC.

To me and many others, an M Dot is an eponym for "full distance triathlon finisher." Just as you don't always mean "Asprin" when you say you need an asprin, or "Band-Aid" when you need to cover your boo-boo, you don't always mean "WTC Ironman-branded race." when you say you did an ironman. 

People don't look at it when it's placed on someone's car, body, or gear and think "Oh, that person spent $700 to enter a WTC race and supports their brand." They think, "That person finished a 140.6 mile triathlon" There is the Ironman with a big I that is trademarked for many reasons, but there is still ironman with a little i. I'm an Ironman because I happened to complete my race at a course put on my the WTC, but I am also an ironman for doing those 140.6 miles without quitting. 

Triathletes are Type A and frankly, can be kind of elitist, so the animosity toward mixing the big I and little i is annoying, but I get it. That doesn't change my mind, though.

I wanted a succinct, symbolic, clear way to express my accomplishment to myself and those that notice my tattoo, and this conveys my message clearly. It's a blurry line between corporate logo and symbolism, but it's one that I accepted because of what it means to ME. What it means to those who see it is up to them, but I don't regret it for a second.

Is an M-Dot race worth the money and moral quandaries? It's up to you! I chose IMTX because of its proximity to my family and friends. I'm choosing Ironman Boulder next year because of its proximity to my girlfriend who wants to do her first 140.6. Both of these races will be cheap to travel to and feature exciting courses I couldn't and can't wait to experience. 

For a great article on laying out whether or not an M-Dot "branded" race is for you, check out DC Rainmaker. I have done a non-branded 70.3 that was an excellent race ran by a great company that had good swag, great food, and awesome support. I'm most certainly not brand loyal, I just know what that M with a Dot over it represents, and wanted that where I could see it forever. If you complete a 140.6-mile triathlon, it doesn't matter where your entry fee went, you're an ironman and can convey that how you choose. (You just won't hear Mike Reilly say it!)

The original tat next to my now completed one. Love it!

TL:DR? Bottom line- STFU about any tattoos unless they're on your body. Then rock them or don't- your body is yours! 

"Jenny Paul, You Are an Ironman"

           It's been three days since I heard the words, "Jenny Paul, You Are an Ironman" and I am still not sure how I feel, or if it has even all sunk in yet. I'm less sore and more in awe than I thought I would be.
           People have been asking me since I crossed the finish line: How was it? How do you feel? I've been giving them basically the same answer: Doing an Ironman was the best and the worst thing I've ever done. It was supremely awful and amazingly elating all at once. I've never felt pain and joy like that before, both physical and mental. It's hard to explain in a short few sentences, so I'll write about it instead.

Race Week:
       Leading up to the race was a roller coaster. I was taper-crazy, going nuts not having anything to occupy my suddenly open schedule and felt the constant need to move. I am your typical, neurotic Type A triathlete, so I am VERY proud to say that I didn't pack until Monday for my trip that started on Thursday!
        To pack, I laid out a bag for Swim, Bike, Run, Special Needs, and Morning Cloths. I have tons of drawstring bags from other races, so I saved the planet a little and avoided ziplocs. Then, I wrote myself a detailed checklist and placed each item on the list on top of the bag it was to go it. Once I knew I had it all there, I stuff the bags, slapped a duct-tape label on them, and loaded them up in a suitcase, along with the street clothes I'd need.

Just a little Type A!

       I left Thursday morning to head to the Woodlands from Austin. I woke up on my own at 7:15 and popped out of bed, more excited than if it was Christmas morning! I just couldn't wait to get this party started. My fiance had a training for work, so he was unable to leave with me Thursday, instead having to suffer a bus ride to Houston the next day. ("Love you very much!" were words he heard more than once from Thursday on!)
      I arrived in The Woodlands around noon and immediately remembered why I left East Texas when I turned 18. I had worn boots, jeans, and my #50womentoKona shirt because I knew I'd not have a place to change and wanted to be warm at our happy hour and the athlete dinner. I immediately regretted this, and threw my hair in a ponytail before I even finished getting out of my car.
      Parking was easy at the mall, and the walk to check-in from there wasn't far. I excitedly followed the streams of compression clothes and visors to find Ironman Village near the Waterway.

The sight of this made it very real!

           I got through check-in quickly and got my packet and backpack. The bags were really nice, despite the fact that they were almost solid red. I had literally had a stress dream that they would be and I filed a formal complaint. You can tell where my real priorities lie. No matter what, I was pumped to have it. They funnel you straight in to the merchandise tent from check in, naturally, so I looked around for the name shirt I wanted and a tank top. Since the race was also my birthday, I decided to do as Donna Meagle would tell me and had a little Treat Yo Self action. While in the tent, I ran in to a friend of mine from our Facebook group and we had a funny moment of hugging and girly exclamation. Her husband was pretty confused about his wife hugging a random stranger in a tent! 

Nails looking good with that athlete wristband!

      I didn't do too much damage to my wallet and walked back to my car after going through the expo, which was much smaller than I imagined it would be. I killed some time (and cooled off!) walking around the mall until about 3pm, then headed over to The Goose's Acre to set up shop for our Ironman 20XX Facebook group Happy Hour. This group was great! If you are a first-time Ironman with no team or coach, find a Facebook group! It was a free resource for support and humor, and many of us had connected. I met two awesome ladies near me for rides and swims thanks to this group, and looked forward to meeting everyone else! We joked it was like one giant online date, but we had a good crowd of about 30 people show up and had fun shaking out our nerves and saying hi!

The remainder of our group after we remembered to take a picture! Thanks for coming!

      Since I was there alone, I left the HH with a couple of others on their own and headed to the Athlete Banquet. I had already paid for it, so why not eat? The banquet lines were quick, the food wasn't amazing, but definitely wasn't bad at all. However, the program was pretty lame. It was a long plug for the WTC's new initiatives (to make them more money) and not really centered on the race at hand. However, they did do some fun things like list the numbers of athletes from different countries AND most importantly, listed everyone who had a birthday on race day! Turns out, I was one of about 12, so happy birthday to us all!

My $700 meal. Pasta (pretty good), brisket (terrible), roll (terrible),salad (OK), Cake (delicious)

        After dinner and briefly getting to say hi to the awesome people with TriEqual (back at Goose's Acre, naturally!) I headed out to my mom's house, about 45 minutes from the Woodlands. I crashed there for the night and then promptly got up and left again to get to the practice swim in the morning. 

          I am a strong swimmer, but still glad I did it. It helped me get a feel for the water, for how to sight the buoys, and just loosen up and shake it out.  If it's your first time, or if you're feeling nerves, just go to the practice swim! I didn't swim long, maybe 900yds total, and took my time, even stopping to chat in the water with a 62 year old man who was enjoying himself as well! I had met with my friend Kerri to do the swim, so once we got out and dried off, we headed over to the Women For Tri tent to meet Meredith of Swim, Bike, Mom. If you don't read her blog, do it. She's funny, sweet, incredibly supportive, and an all-around nice person. She's also a supporter of TriEqual and a smart, informed voice on that debate!

Meredith, Kerri, and I post swim.

 Once I got done with the swim and walked with Kerri back to her car, we headed to transition to drop off our bikes and bags. Tips:      

- Get this over with early so you're not stressing about it all day                                                       - Rubber Band your bags shut. That way they're easy to open and close later, but sealed from any rain. I also saw people marking theirs with colored tape, etc. so they were easy to find. Smart!                                                                    - You CAN access your stuff on race morning, so keep your nutrition and anything that will melt out of there until then. Also, DON'T inflate your tires until race morning. We heard tires popping as we walked through. It's hot in Texas, air expands, rubber has its limits.

Cool panorama of transition posted on Facebook. It was a MUDDY MESS! And smelly!

         Finally, it was time to go check in to my hotel room and see what my $350 was going towards. I stayed at the Drurey Inn The Woodlands, and if you're doing this race, stay there! The room was nice, the staff even nicer. We got free bar drinks and dinner each night we stayed there and they set up breakfast early for athletes. It was expensive, but cheaper than the hotels right on the waterway without being too far, and totally worth it.

      I showered, set up my computer so I could charge my TomTom, and then let my checklist brain kick in again, keeping myself busy by arranging everything in orderly stacks. I made sandwiches with PB and bananas for special needs, then put everything in bags. I also put Nuun in two water bottles- one for T1 and one for T2, wrapped them in tin foil, and stuck them in the fridge. I wish I'd had a freezer, but oh well.

Special needs contents, plus race morning oatmeal.

      You do not get your special needs bags back! So, to avoid losing a totally good roll of duct tape, I used my now empty Nuun tube to make a roll of band aids and tossed it in the run SN bag. By the time I got done organizing everything in to its pile, my girlfriends started arriving. I had a friend from Colorado and a friend from Florida come all the way there to see me! I had two more come from Houston and College Station as well, and my parents came the next morning after the swim started. It was so awesome having such a big group of supporters there, especially having people to talk to and keep myself busy with.

       We went back to the Waterway and I showed them the transition area, swim start location, etc. Everything they would need to plan their time during the race. Then, we ate a late lunch of pizza at Girmaldi's (Yummy!) and went back to the hotel. After having to brave 5:30 Houston traffic to get to the bus station to pick up one very cranky man hauling a very big birthday box, we got back to the room around 8:30. (I had saved him a plate of dinner and a bloody mary from the bar, so his mood improved!)

         I tried to go to bed early, but couldn't sleep! It wasn't nerves or anxiety that I could feel, but I couldn't make my brain shut down. The worries about the weather were gone- forecast was clear. I knew I hadn't forgotten anything, and was ready for my 4:30 alarm. I just couldn't. Go. To. Bed. Bryce says he could feel my energy from across our King sized bed!

Race Day
      Finally, my alarm went off!  I hopped out of bed, threw on my kit, slapped on a #5Q tattoo and started rustling up my support crew while I brushed my teeth. They were just slightly less enthusiastic than me. I handed Bryce a Red Bull I'd gotten in my backpack and saved for him, and after that he was ready.

 

Pretty impressed with my quads! ;)

              We drove to transition and I hopped out with my bag while he found a place to park. Transition was electric, and smelled terrible! I ditched my flip flops and walked through the mud to my bike, pumped up my tires, filled my tank, and then sloshed back to my bags to add my final nutrition and bottles of Nuun. I found Bryce and Sandra back at the front, also meeting up with Kerri who was done with her bike, and we made the walk over to swim start.

The walk isn't long and it was easy to get down there. We dropped our special needs and morning bags with the volunteers and then, as timing would have it, it was already time to seed ourselves! Kerri and I got in the 1:20-1:30 group and moved slowly forward with the crowd of swim caps ahead. I started singing Happy Birthday to myself as we edged closer to the water, and the guys around me joined in.                                                                                                                                                                The rolling start was smooth and easy. I actually don't think I've ever been that calm starting a

race! There were still tons of people around me the entire swim, and a few jerks who insisted on swimming over instead of around, but overall, it wasn't bad! The buoys are bright and easy to see, even in the sun. The Waterway channel did provide a little extra challenge, as it bottle necked swimmers into a narrower areas. However, it was super fun to be able to see spectators during the swim! I caught sight of my group and gave them a big wave mid-stroke. I had worn a bright orange Zoot top, both to reduce drag from my kit and to be easily seen, and it worked great.

          Exiting the water was easy, thanks to plenty of volunteers. I finished in 1:32, almost spot-on with my goal of 1:30.   

Swim exit- ready to roll!

       I didn't realize it, but I had no idea what to do with my T1 bag when I got to it! It took me a minute to realize that I wasn't supposed to empty it right there, but take it to the tent with me. Oops! That added some time,but once in the tent, it was smooth sailing. I sat down and dried off with my towel, then put on my headband, helmet, and shoes. I took time to drink my whole bottle of Nuun, knowing I'd need all the fluids I could get, and loaded my pockets with my Hammer bars. I then wrapped my feet in two big plastic bags we had saved from shopping and dropped my T1 bag at the entrance, making my way to the bike.

Taking off my shoe covers while a volunteer held my bike

     The bike is always my favorite part of a race. I am a decently strong cyclist with great endurance, and I was looking forward to it. I got my feet free, walked to the mount line, and hopped on, waving at my friends and family as I left. My goal was 6:30 for the bike, and for the first half, I was flying! NOT because I had the hammer down, either. I was taking it very easy, keeping my heart rate low and my legs steady. We had a tail wind and the course was simply pretty flat compared to Austin. I stuck to my plan of 1 Hammer bar and 1 Endurolyte Extreme an hour, plus plenty of water.
       I did successfully pee on my bike three times during the ride, which was harder than I thought, but heartening because I knew I was hydrated. However, shortly after I ate my sandwich and Pringles at Special Needs, I hit the headwinds.
       Wind is something I had trained in, even high wind. However, these gusts were 30mph+! The stress of keeping my balance against them caused my lower back, for the first time in years, to begin to scream at me. I simply HAD to stop every 15miles or so and stretch or I was going to fall over. I was pretty bummed, since when I was moving, I was moving great, but it was what it was. I was comfortable grabbing bottles, so I drank a bottle and splashed myself at every aid station, keeping cool and full of fluid.
         I can happily say my nutrition plan was spot on. I felt GREAT the entire time as far as my stomach and energy went. If I hadn't had to stop for my back, I would have nailed my time goal. I ended up finishing in 7:08, almost 40mins slow. Oh well, at that point! My favorite sign was "You Still Look Really Pretty" at mile 90. It was a lie, and I knew it, but it made me laugh through my gritted teeth!
       The last 12 miles of the bike seemed to take forever, but finally I got back to T2 and handed my bike off and made the LONG walk around the mud pit to the tent. I met a girl who had been cramping the whole ride, despite salt and water, so I felt thankful that at least now that I was walking again, my body was in full cooperation. Or so I thought. I sat down in the tent, enjoyed ice water, and took off my shoes, only to see my feet were already obliterated with blisters.

Leaving for the run.

    It was so strange, because in my bike shoes they never once hurt, or even went numb! But there they were. I applied glide, powder, and dried them the best I could before saying, "OK ladies, let's run a marathon!" (Only a couple thought that was funny!)
Tips:
       - Bring your own sunscreen! The stuff they use is greasy and hard to rub in
       - Pack LOTS of towels in ALL bags! It's hard to rub in cream and sunscreen on wet skin, and towels are a hot commodity in the tent.
      - Take your sweet time in the tent. Yes, you want to hurry to some degree, but relax, take a breath, and have some ice water. You have a marathon to run still!
      -  Have treats or snacks to look forward to! I ate pringles on the bike from my SN bag, and was so pumped to get to them on my run SN bag. 
      I had planned to run a mile, walk a quarter of a mile, for the duration. However, within the first few feet of the run, I knew this wasn't going to happen. I ran .5 and walked .5 for the first loop pretty successfully, averaging about a 14min/mile, which was just a touch lower than what I wanted, but not too bad. The energy on the waterway was so fun, and throughout the course as well (Volunteers and spectators rock!) I made my way on to my second lap, running my fastest pace because I knew I was coming up on Bryce and my friends, and I NEEDED to see them.

Coming in to sight

         Having them there, especially my two girlfriends who popped up out of nowhere to chase me with signs, was so uplifting and exactly what I needed. When I saw Bryce on the sidewalk, I wanted to cry I was so happy. I gave him a huge hug and heard him tell me how proud of me he was.

 

Best moment all day.

Sweet moment caught be another friend. Pep talk from coach. :)

      I took my time when I saw them with no regrets. I wasn't on pace to win anything, so why not enjoy the good parts? We took a silly selfie, talked about how I was doing, and then I headed off on my 2nd lap of the 3 lap course full of a better attitude. 

This was possibly my face all day.

       Sadly, my better attitude didn't last that long. I did much better on my second loop, but still by the end of it my feet were awful. I even stopped at medical to see if they could help. They wrapped the blisters with second skin and wished me the best, but it didn't help much. I tried to remember to smile, have fun, and enjoy myself, but GOD I HATE MARATHONS. They are not fun for me, so it was HARD. I missed Bryce on my third time around because he had run to the store to get something for my birthday celebration, which made me even sadder. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, which was NOT the attitude I needed to take. However, despite my pain and desperation, quitting was never an option. I never even thought about it, mostly because I knew I wouldn't get that $700 entry fee back, and I WANTED that medal! 

       A man that had been back and forth with me all day on the course caught up with me and struck up conversation, which was exactly what I needed. He was kind, chatty, but not overly-enthusiastic. He let it show that he was in pain too, which allowed us to commiserate while still moving forward. We power-walked the entire last 6 miles, suffering through the gruelingly long out-and-backs that plagued the last parts of each loop. I also loved the loud lady at the pirate aid station, the Moxie racing speedo dudes, and Hippie Hollow, of course. Also, whoever made the "Come and Take It" flag with the Blue Bell logo is my hero and a genius. Let's be friends. 

      FINALLY, the time came to cut off to the finish line. I was so thrilled, I ran, despite the protest of my feet. I ran hard, letting all my pain and emotional mess show on my face to whoever looked. I saw friends I didn't know were coming, which was a great surprise, right before hitting the chute.

       The finish line was amazing! It was so bright, lined with hundreds of people. I briefly saw my dad, Bryce, and Sandra, but barely remember it. I took my time behind the guy in front of me to make sure I heard my name. I couldn't see Mike Reily due to the lights, but I could hear him. He said it. 

"Jenny Paul from Texas,  first timer, You. Are. An. Ironman, Jenny Congratulations!"

      I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I just crossed under the time clock and hugged the first volunteer I saw. She caught me and walked me along, after giving me my medal and shirt/hat bundle. She asked if I needed anything, and I motioned that I needed to puke. I had a trash can to grab right away and heaved, with not much coming up. After that and some water, I was back to feeling normal. She walked with me to get my picture taken (ughhhh) and then asked if I needed medical. I said no, seeing Bryce waiting for me, and went to him on my own two feet. I was luckier than the guy behind me, who was carried to medical by three people.

       Bryce coordinated with my friends, who waited with me while he went back to transition and got my bike and bags while we went to the hotel. We were able to see the final finisher cross, which was super fun, as we walked away. My friends had made a huge banner, sang me happy birthday again, and offered me a cupcakes. I felt bad, but all I wanted in the world was a shower and a bed and peace and quiet. You KNOW I'm not feeling well when I don't want cake!

The awesome banner they made me.

Me, much better the next day with me medal, shirt, and pointing to my name!

   My final time was 16:12:03. 

    Two hours longer than I wanted, and harder than I thought. But I did it. I finished. It was the best and worth thing I've ever done. I sat down with my friends shortly after and swore off doing another one, but then took it back. I know I'll to another one. The greatest part is knowing that, through my hard work, others, including my close friends, have been inspired to try as well. So at least next time, I'll have close company on the course! Bryce hugged me at the finish line, nearly in tears, telling me how proud he was and how amazed he was at what I had done. It made the pain in my feet disappear immediately. (Don't worry, it came back!)

       It's a hard thing to comprehend when it's all over. I'm so thankful to everyone, friends and strangers, who got me there. I am so proud that I did it, and look forward to doing better next time! I took the next day to soak it in, eating lunch with friends after finding my name on the Lululemon wall. I hesitated on the finisher jacket, since we had spent so much money already, but Bryce insisted that I have it. I needed a nice jacket anyhow, and this one had my birthday on it! You best BELIEVE I have worn it every day!

Lululemon wall in the Woolands

My snazzy jacket, medal, and a smile on my face!

      We got back to Austin and I finally got my birthday present- a hammock! Talk about knowing what I needed! Bryce set it up for me as I unpacked my incredibly smelly bags and we took a rest, enjoying calm after the storm. He said he was ALMOST convinced to try a tri himself after watching me, and let me tell you, the man hates swimming and running, so that's a big deal!
       I'll say it again: Thank you, volunteers, family, friends, and strangers. I had an incredible journey and an amazing time. I am less sore and more full of heart than I ever imagined- both great things!  I've got 5 races left this season, one of which I may have a new partner for, and have two friends already telling me they're signed up for triathlons. That's great news coming after a whole lot of pain. It was worth every. Single. Second!

Going to get some rest, won't be long before we're back at it!

I'll post this here, but not my FinisherPix- they are AWFUL!

The 5 Stages of Accepting USAT's No-Headphones Rules

         Here we are, exactly ONE month away from Ironman Texas! The "real" has most definitely set in, especially since the bib numbers are out! Next week is "peak week" for training, which means I will be doing all of my longest workouts, including an 100 mile ride and an 18 mile run. So, if next week you see me sleeping standing up or find me extra cranky, just give me a snack and let me be, we're almost to the light at the end of the tunnel! (Bryce, I love you very much. Thank you for sleeping in the other room on early morning wake-ups for me so I don't murder you in your sleep for snoring.)

Follow me on race day!

       Since nerves are setting in for many athletes getting ready for the race, especially first timers, I decided to reflect on just how far I've come as a triathlete. I began this journey three years ago, and still remember all the "newbie" worries I had. One especially struck me yesterday on my 6 mile morning run that made me laugh (and then subsequently choke on a gnat, because they're everywhere on the trail now!)

     I used to be so worried about having to race without music! I thought about it yesterday because it's a question I see come up in forums all the time. "Why can't we race with headphones?" "Does USAT really enforce it?" "What about a small boom box?" Now, I'm not here to dog on training with music, because I totally do most of the time, but I have found that more and more, it's easier to run without music than it used to be, and cycling without music doesn't bother me at all. That has not always been the case for me, or I garuntee for most triathletes out there, so I have come up with:

The 5 Stages of Accepting USAT's No-Headphones Rules

(Just TRY to read this without relating!) 

 1. Denial: The first stage is easy to see. It's the forum questions above, such as "I know I have totally seen people running with headphones at such-and-such race, can't I just be subtle?" I get it- you think you'll be able to just put one headphone in, or that since you're a slower racer, you'll be less scrutinized by race officials. Don't do it! The rules are in place for a reason, and those reasons are safety. Training with music is one thing, but racing with it can cause big problems, especially for volunteers or safety officials trying to give you instructions that may keep you from being hit by a car.

2. Anger: I would also call this stage "Defensiveness." You pose the question online, and tons of more experienced athletes list the safety reasons above (and some get unnecessarily ugly about it, admittedly, which does not help your defensiveness!). You react with, "Whatever, that's totally stupid. Marathoners run with music all the time. I've run a million miles with music and it's no problem! I've totally never been so tired that I zone out to a good tune and swerve too close to traffic/don't hear a car coming/miss a turn/etc." Yes. Road races allow music, and many people run just fine. However, those road racers aren't also cycling up to 112 miles after having swum up to 2.4 miles. Your mind is a different animal on triathlon, and if they make the rule for the race, it's the rule for the whole race, running included. Don't EVEN try to argue with me to say riding a bike with music in a race is safe- it's not. End of story. You make me crash my very expensive bike because you don't hear me shout "On your left!" I will end the race in jail for assault of a dumb person. 

 

3. Bargaining: Ah, this stage is the most interesting. Full disclosure, I most definitely Googled, "clear/see-through wireless headphones" and did the math on how much of the race it'd be worth it to get through before getting a DQ and essentially wasting my race fee. You think, hey, maybe they won't notice me in the middle of the pack. Maybe if I'm super-sneaky I can listen to my music at a low volume and be fine. Maybe I'll just stick my player in my running belt and only pull it out if I need it. Maybe I'll just use my phone as a boom box- that will motivate others as well! Fair enough on the boom box part, but c'mon, now it's just a crutch! Is it worth losing up to $800 in race fees, much less all the time, work, and other funds you've put in to that race? Also, is it worth having an unfair advantage over your competitors who are following the rules.I get it, tunes are a great motivator, especially when you're exhausted, but the rule is there. To be an athlete in this sport is to follow those rules and obtain your victories, large or small, in a fair and equitable way. 

4. Depression: "Man, they're serious about this. How will I EVER do an Ironman without Taylor Swift telling me to shake it off?" Thankfully, this is a short phase, because really, that song is so viral it just bores itself in to your brain so you can call it up whenever you need it. Triathletes are tough, and we love a challenge. Get over it, sugar, and move on to:

5. Acceptance: Ah, we have arrived. You realize that your goals are bigger than your fears or your habits, so you get over it. This is a cross-roads where many people make different choices, but all are OK as long as, come race day, we are all following the rules and keeping ourselves and others as safe as possible. Can you still train with music? Sure, knock yourself out, some days you just need a good beat to get you going. You'll find though, as your experience grows in the sport, that you don't NEED it anymore. It's less of a necessity, a crutch, and more of a "nice to have." That's when you're ready to get. It. Done. Race days, especially at big races, are so energized you won't even notice. The crowds, the fellow athletes, and your own screaming heart and mind, will get you there. If you find yourself flagging remember to just Shake it off, shake it off, shake, shake, shake......(Dammit- see! ANY TIME YOU NEED IT!)